👑🖤 Mrs. Naive

On bad discernment, transactional people, emotional paranoia, and learning that goodness was never my weakness.

There is a version of me I grieve sometimes.

Not because she was weak.

But because she was genuine.

Too genuine.

She believed people meant well because she meant well. She thought honesty created honesty. Loyalty created loyalty. Love created love. She thought if she poured enough goodness into people, eventually they would naturally pour goodness back into her.

And maybe that was my first mistake.

I had terrible discernment.

Not because I was unintelligent.
Not because I lacked intuition.
But because I wanted to believe people were emotionally built like me.

I projected my intentions onto others.

And that ruined me for a while.

I ignored red flags because I saw “potential.”
I defended people who continuously disrespected me.
I overextended myself emotionally for people who viewed relationships transactionally.
I confused being needed with being valued.

And because of that, I continuously found myself surrounded by people who loved what I could do for them instead of who I actually was.

People who wanted access to my mind.
My ambition.
My emotional depth.
My structure.
My softness.
My resources.
My ability to make them feel important.

Some people did not love me.

They loved the experience of being loved by me.

There is a difference.

And unfortunately, I learned that difference the hard way. 🌹

I think one of the most painful realizations in adulthood is understanding that some people attach themselves to others for personal glory. For comfort. For convenience. For ego validation. For networking. For emotional labor. For survival.

Not for genuine connection.

And when you continuously experience relationships like that, something dangerous starts happening internally.

You stop trusting people.

Not loudly.
Quietly.

You become defensive.
Hyperaware.
Emotionally guarded.
Mentally exhausted.
Suspicious of kindness.
Uncomfortable with vulnerability.

Your nervous system starts preparing for betrayal before intimacy even has the chance to exist.

And suddenly vulnerability no longer feels beautiful.

It feels unsafe.

I think people underestimate how much bad discernment can psychologically alter a person.

Because after enough disappointment, your brain begins creating protective patterns.

The neuroscience behind this is heartbreaking.

When people repeatedly experience emotional inconsistency, betrayal, abandonment, manipulation, or conditional affection, the brain begins associating vulnerability with danger. Hypervigilance develops. Cortisol increases. Trust weakens. The nervous system shifts into protection mode.

Your body remembers disappointment even when your heart still wants connection.

And that happened to me.

I became defensive before people could hurt me.
Detached before people could leave me.
Emotionally unavailable while secretly craving emotional safety.

I pushed away people who genuinely cared for me because healthy love felt unfamiliar.

That is the painful part nobody talks about enough.

Sometimes trauma does not make you chase bad people.

Sometimes it makes you reject good people because your nervous system no longer recognizes peace as safe. ⚠️

And somehow, I kept choosing the people who harmed me over the people who genuinely loved me.

Why?

Because inconsistency became familiar.
Chaos became chemistry.
Emotional unavailability became attractive.
Validation became addictive.

The people who truly wanted me for me often felt too soft, too stable, too emotionally available for the version of me that was used to fighting for love.

That realization hurts to admit.

Because deep down, I think part of me believed I had to earn love through sacrifice.

Through overgiving.
Through patience.
Through emotional labor.
Through proving my worth repeatedly.

But real love does not require self-abandonment.

And transactional people will drain you until you no longer recognize yourself.

They will take your kindness and call it accessibility.
Your empathy and call it usefulness.
Your vulnerability and call it opportunity.

Meanwhile you are slowly becoming colder trying to survive relationships that were never rooted in genuine care to begin with.

I think that is what created the paranoia inside of me.

Not irrational paranoia.

Emotional paranoia.

The constant feeling of:

“What do they actually want from me?”
“Would they still be here if I had nothing to offer?”
“Do they love me or do they love access to me?”
“Am I being seen or consumed?”

And honestly?
Those questions can destroy your ability to connect if you let them.

Because eventually you begin isolating yourself emotionally.

You become independent to the point of loneliness.
Private to the point of suffocation.
Strong to the point of exhaustion.

You start romanticizing emotional isolation because depending on people feels dangerous.

But maybe this is where philosophy enters the conversation.

Because I think for a long time I viewed my goodness as stupidity.

As if being genuine automatically made me weak.

But I do not think that is true anymore.

To be sincere in a world built on performance is actually rare.

To remain kind after betrayal is rare.
To stay emotionally honest in a culture that rewards emotional detachment is rare.
To still choose softness after disappointment is rare.

And maybe genuinely good people never truly lose.

Not because life does not hurt them.
Not because betrayal does not affect them.
Not because they always win externally.

But because they get to experience something many people never fully experience:

A sincere relationship with their own soul. 🌱

There are people with money, beauty, attention, influence, relationships, and status who still cannot sit alone with themselves peacefully.

That is not success to me.

I think one of the greatest luxuries in life is internal congruence.

When your inner world and outer world are not at war with each other.

When your kindness is genuine.
When your love is honest.
When your intentions are clean.
When your presence does not require manipulation or performance.

Philosophically, I think many people spend their lives trying to escape themselves.

Constant stimulation.
Constant validation.
Constant attention.
Constant noise.
Constant ego.
Constant consumption.

Because silence reveals character.

And I think good people, despite all the hurt they endure, still possess something sacred:

The ability to experience life sincerely.

To laugh sincerely.
To grieve sincerely.
To create sincerely.
To love sincerely.
To hope sincerely.

That matters.

The philosopher Søren Kierkegaard spoke deeply about despair and becoming disconnected from the self. And honestly, I think many people abandon themselves just to be accepted by the world.

But genuine people?
Even when wounded, they still carry pieces of themselves honestly.

And maybe that is why I no longer want revenge on the people who hurt me.

Because becoming cold, manipulative, emotionally unavailable, or performative would require me to betray myself in the process.

And I already know what it feels like to lose people.

I do not want to lose myself too.

So yes…

Maybe I was naive.
Maybe my discernment failed me.
Maybe I trusted people who only saw me as an opportunity.
Maybe I loved people who never intended to love me correctly.
Maybe I overlooked the ones who genuinely cared because chaos felt more familiar than peace.

But I would still rather be a woman capable of sincere love than a person incapable of genuine connection altogether.

Because goodness is not weakness.

It is discipline. 🖤

And maybe healing is not becoming colder.

Maybe healing is learning how to protect your heart without hardening it.

Learning discernment without losing softness.
Learning boundaries without losing compassion.
Learning self-protection without abandoning vulnerability entirely.

And maybe that is where I currently am.

Not fully healed.
Not fully trusting.
Not fully cynical either.

Just trying to become a woman who understands that being genuine was never the flaw.

The flaw was giving sacred access to people who only knew how to consume what was sacred. 🌙